Something about a camera draws up all the shit. The Soul Sucking bullshit.
I’m doing this. I’m committed. And yet…
Here are some of the things that have happened during the journey from the first intuitive nudge to the photo shoot itself.
Upon getting the idea, I immediately felt that I needed to lose weight. That I couldn’t possibly take the photos unless I was at my favorite (and lowest ever) number on the scale.
Weight is complicated. (for me and for … every woman on the planet.) Here’s what I mean:
Sometimes the Soul Suckers tell me that I can’t take the photos because I’m too fat. (The Soul Suckers are wrong. I’m aware of this. And yet they still get me from time to time.)
And sometimes … Sometimes when I weigh more, it’s in order to hide. The voice that wants me to lose weight in order to let the real me out, to be seen instead of hiding behind layers of protective fat … that’s a more constructive voice.
I’ve been listening to my Soul’s voice: that voice who wants to stop hiding, who wants to be living in a body-house that’s nourished and cared-for and represents who she is. In the process I’ve found a fitness home that I love and found my way to a way of eating that supports and nourishes my body as it is TODAY. Since my initial soul sucker panic, I haven’t lost much (if any) weight on the actual scale. However, my clothing fits, I’m stronger and I have more energy. This Soul voice says “it’s time … it’s not about the number. Love yourself exactly as you are … “
Still, within the last week, the Soul Suckers have done everything they could do to try to derail me. I’ve been eating very healthy leading up to the photo shoot (and I’m prepared to drink wine, eat gluten free scones and consume every other thing that makes your skin break out immediately following the shoot.) I went to get my eyebrows and chin waxed … and she scalded my chin and made my eyebrows crooked and my forehead breakout in little pimples … or ingrown hair lumps … I’m not sure which.
If my Soul Suckers were in charge, any one of these things could make me cancel the photo shoot. But my soul suckers are not in charge. I am. Tomorrow I will step into the spotlight.
It’s time to be seen.
With passion & love,
PS – Where’s the next right frontier for YOU to be seen? Is it being photographed? Shooting a video for your homepage? Doing your first Facebook Live? Standing up and telling your story? What would it feel like if you did it? Go for it. I dare you…