Rejection Sucks ASS!

Last year I returned to theatre after an unintentional 5 year break. When I auditioned at the TBAs (a huge audition with 100’s of theaters present at one time) it felt like a triumphant return. I got the role that I really wanted. It was a peak experience in an amazing script with simply awesome people both onstage and off. What a comeback! What a year 🙂
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This year I did the TBA Auditions again.
So far this year
I am 0 for 6
and let me tell you …

Rejection Sucks ASS!!!

I’ve been rejected a lot over the years.

Back in my late 20’s and early 30’s I used to approach auditions and acting very differently. I hid behind my intelligence, always saving the good stuff for later – generally right before opening night, IF I got the role. During one audition the director pulled me aside and said “Lauri, intellectually you are running circles around everyone else here. But, in order to cast you, I need to see your heart.”

WOW. What a gift. (Thank you.)

So, I courageously responded. I showed her my heart. I “left everything on the court” so to speak. It felt great. I was creating, playing and in the moment during an audition! It was exhilarating. I felt alive!

I did NOT get the role.

WHAT?!
(I know … it seems like it would be a better story if I had … happy ending and all that, but that’s just not how life goes sometimes … )

I was CRUSHED. After listening to her very kind, heart-felt rejection and hanging up the phone, I wept. I binge watched TV. I ate chocolate. I wept some more. I grieved…

After mourning fully, I got up and returned to the world of the living.

When I’d led with my head during auditions, the pain seemed less intense. I felt protected. However, each time I didn’t get the role back then my way of processing was also very different. I would play and replay the audition experience over and over again in my head for days, weeks, months – repeatedly analyzing all of the “what ifs”. The rejection lingered for a couple of reasons. First, I hadn’t fully “shown up,” so all of the “what ifs” were laced with the stench of regret – of a life not lived. Second, my layers of protection prevented me from fully processing the experience enabling me to move on.

That first crushing (and liberating) experience of showing my heart and still not getting the role let me know – I will survive. I can show up fully and give everything I’ve got to offer – body, heart, soul – and get rejected and I will not burst into flames and die.

When we put ourselves out there fully, heart open and “all in” and get rejected it hurts more at first. Ultimately though, its easier to grieve, recover, and move on because we are alive. Protecting ourselves and shielding our hearts leads to numbing and a kind of death.

So, having just gotten my sixth rejection this year, I’m going to grieve fully (probably with a healthy serving of chocolate). Then, I’m going to get up, put on my big girl pants, and get ready to give it all during next week’s audition.

With passion & love,
Lauri

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3 Responses to Rejection Sucks ASS!

  1. Lauri July 27, 2017 at 12:24 pm #

    My audition in tonight and my Soul Suckers are out in force! They want me to stay home, curled up on the couch. They are finding a million and one reasons to not prepare.

    Whew. Sharing that helped. I’m going to go practice my monologue now.

  2. Amy Day August 10, 2017 at 9:49 pm #

    Love this.

  3. Lauri September 19, 2017 at 12:13 pm #

    Thanks Amy! I’m now 0/10 or 1/10 – depending on how you look at it. What a year!

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