I’ve been a little quiet for the past few months. I haven’t been writing as much. I’ve been understudying two roles at Berkeley Repertory Theatre: Nora and Anne Marie in A Doll”s House Part 2.
When I took this on, many people thought I was nuts. Understudying is hard work. Understudying the lead – a massive role with multiple 3 page monologues – and another role in the same show? People said things like, “That’s crazy, “That’s huge,” and also “That”s incredible!”
It was a monstrous mountain to climb. And I climbed it. It was adventurous, challenging, thrilling, creative, and engaging. I did it! I was good. I was proud 🙂
And no one ever saw it….
(Okay, the Stage Manger, the Assistant Stage Manager and the other two understudies saw it … but that’s not the same thing as performing in front of a live, Berkeley Rep audience.)
The show ended a few days ago, and I’m now in the post show/postpartum, grief phase. It’s bittersweet. I’m relieved that it’s over (I’m no longer a slave to my phone “just in case they call” 6 days a week.) There’s also something else here I can’t quite place … A longing for something I never really had?
In this moment I’m somehow at peace with the whole thing. Grateful and proud while also wanting more.
Some people say I’m a “best kept secret.” I still have some of my greatest gifts inside of me.
And its dawning on me ..
Sometimes we don’t want to be the understudy
The supporting player
Sometimes we want it to be our turn …
I honestly don’t know in this moment if it’s my ego or my soul that wants this: to step out of the shadows and have it be my turn. (I think maybe this time they BOTH want to … the soul to share more of my gifts with others and the ego to have more fun.)
For now I’ll be present with the feelings and follow my inner wisdom, one step at a time.
With passion & love,
PS – If you want to step out of the shadows and practice sharing yourself with others, sign up for one of the November Speaking Mastery Circles. Early bird ends Friday.